


Something

by WinterSky101



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Incredible Hulk (2008)
Genre: Angst, Bruce Angst, Bruce Banner Feels, Bruce Banner Needs a Hug, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, M/M, References to Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-15
Updated: 2012-09-15
Packaged: 2017-11-14 06:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/512156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WinterSky101/pseuds/WinterSky101
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He squeezes his pointer finger around the trigger. Faster than he can even comprehend, Bruce is gone and the Hulk is in his place. As Bruce finds his mind receding and grudgingly relinquishing control to his alter-ego, he wonders if he should just stay as the Hulk. Because when he's the Hulk, Bruce Banner is nothing, just like he was always meant to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for canonical attempted suicide.

Bruce looks at the gun. He almost thinks that it's looking back at him, the barrel pointed at his face as it is, but he knows that's ridiculous. He's loaded it already. A single bullet. He won't get more than one shot, but if all goes as planned, he won't need more than one. If all doesn't go as planned… Well, he won't need another bullet that way either. Either way, he needs one and no more than that.

Bruce carefully takes the gun, handling it like it's going to explode any moment, and opens his mouth. The barrel is cold and has a disgusting, metallic taste as he closes his lips around it. He's been planning this moment for weeks now, since his last incident. He had been trying to help people in a rural village somewhere in Africa. He doesn't know what country he was in. The Hulk doesn't really care about the invisible lines that differentiate between the parts of the continent. But it was a small town, with so much poverty that most people couldn't go to a doctor, no matter how much they needed one. As usual, Bruce worked for nothing but food and shelter, which was willingly given to him. Then came the night.

Somehow, one of the main houses in the town caught fire. Bruce went over to help when they thought the flames were all out. But something rekindled the fire, and within moments it was blazing again. There wasn't even a single moment to control himself before Bruce was gone and Hulk was in his place. He awoke near Egypt, though he was almost positive he had been more in central Africa before. And he began his plans.

And tonight is the night that all his planning has led up to. Tonight is the night when everything might end. He might never need to worry about the Hulk ever again.

Not that he'll be worrying much when he's dead anyway.

There've been at least a hundred incidents since the experiment, but every time, Bruce has had hope. But this time…there isn't hope. Not a single drop of it. His biggest and latest source of hope, "Mr. Blue," turned out to be a dud, just like most of his leads. Sterns managed to reverse the one transformation, but he's transformed since then. He's still a mutated monster. He's still hurting people. And there's no way out of it. Save one.

The gun in his mouth.

The metallic taste is continuing to seep into his mouth through his tongue, and it's as disgusting as it was before. Now is the time. He clicks back the safety with his slightly trembling finger. No matter how scared Bruce is, underneath his false bravado and self-loathing that's pushing him do to this, it doesn't make a difference. He's a monster. And monsters are put down. Since there's no one to do it for him, he'll do it himself.

He doesn't see it as suicide, not really. He manages to pretend that it's different. That yes, he's killing himself, but it's not something that means he needs psychiatric help. He's doing it because he needs to help other people, and that's more important than him. Hell, he deserves a medal or something for this. He's finally doing what Ross and the army have wanted to do for years. Put down the monster that is the Hulk. And if it kills him in the process… Well, what's one life compared to the probable thousands it'll save? Death won't be that bad, will it? Peace, quiet… No more monsters to worry about, especially when the monster is him. Yes, death won't be that bad.

Bruce's hand shakes, and the movement causes the gun to clatter against his teeth. The resulting clicking noise is unexpected, and in the silence of the moment, it's startling. He almost pulls the trigger in surprise, but he regains his senses at the last second and doesn't. He needs to compose himself first. Reduce the risk of transforming when the bullet enters his mouth and shoots up to his brain. If he transforms, then this is all for nothing, since he's sure the Hulk will probably be able to take a bullet to the head. Still, the bit of hope that he still has is pushing him to try whatever he can to rid himself of the monster.

He's scared. Bruce knew the crippling fear would hit him right when he was about to pull the trigger, but he had hoped it wouldn't be that bad. It  _is_  that bad. He's terrified of death and what might come after, if anything. He's not sure what would be worse - some sort of hell, which a monster like him would definitely go to, or just nothing. Nothingness might be peaceful, which Bruce would love, but at the same time, to simply no longer exist… Not that he would know or care after that point, as he wouldn't exist. Nothingness is the better option, he decides, and he hopes for that as he squeezes his pointer finger around the trigger.

The gun jerks in his hand as the bullet shoots out of it. Then, faster than he can even comprehend, Bruce is gone and the Hulk is in his place. As always, in the beginning of a transformation, Bruce has some sort of awareness of what's going on, and he can see the Hulk spit out the bullet. He has the same pain that always wracks his body right after a transformation, but other than a slight sting in his mouth, there's not lasting damage from the bullet. He's sure that when he turns back to himself, he'll be healed. The only good thing about the Hulk, if he could even say that, is that any injury he has before he changes is always gone when he changes back.

As Bruce finds his mind receding and grudgingly relinquishing control to his alter-ego, he realizes that maybe this isn't that different from death. The nothingness he feels is surely like after he dies. And Bruce wonders if he should just stay as the Hulk and let the army kill him. Stop running. Because when he's the Hulk, Bruce Banner is nothing, just like he was always meant to be.

* * *

The hand on Bruce's shoulder when he was still in the throes of the dream-memory is shocking, but his eyes jerk open to see a very concerned Tony leaning over him. "Are you alright?" Tony asks, and suddenly the wave of emotion Bruce has been trying to push back for the past week breaks and he's crying. Sobbing, even. Tony looks shocked but wordlessly wraps his arms around his boyfriend, understanding what Bruce needs. Bruce cries as Tony rubs his back gently, whispering in his ear.

And Bruce realizes that, in the arms of his loving boyfriend, he's not nothing after all. In the eyes of Tony Stark, he's the complete opposite of nothing. He's something.

And maybe that's better than being nothing after all.

**Author's Note:**

> My writing tumblr is [here](http://winterskywrites.tumblr.com/), if you're interested.


End file.
